Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
Increasingly over the past 2 years, every time I looked at our projects, reminded of all the ideas and concepts I wanted to complete, I would get this overwhelming feeling of being unable to finish. Sometimes a gut wrenching internal reminder, fuelling an overarching fear of not having enough time or resources to succeed.
In response, I took a measured approach to start again. Shorten our timeline and bit by bit build up with a growing focus on illustration and story. Then insanely beautiful, wonder driven games could follow a stronger focus on story. Part of this new approach was a decision to move Big Top Ballet Inc. to New York City in 2018. Follow a dream, follow my heart. Plans are still in place to move my family. Just one snag, big dreams often come with facing the very thing that frightens you most.
This past Christmas, I sat with my cardiologist after a twelve year hiatus from what had been for me a life long nuisance of annual check ups for a congenital heart condition. These to monitor the rate of stenosis of a bicuspid aortic valve which I so happen to have. In this appointment I was asked about my symptoms which I had been attributing to the stressors of life.
Long story short, I’ll be having open heart surgery as soon as possible. I always prayed I would never have to endure something that felt so vulnerable and scary as having my rib cage cut open with the core of my being exposed. I always hoped I could escape this fate. Personally as a mother to a young daughter, I was cut to bring her into this world, and so it is a small sacrifice to be cut again that I may be here for her as she becomes her own woman and God willing a mother herself. After solid research into my options, we’ve found the best doctor to perform what is a complex surgery that offers the best quality of life and longterm outlook without meds or complications.
I’m grateful to all the people who went before me. Those who had the courage 30 or more years ago, and that are still around today. People who shared photos of their scars and stories. To all the surgeons and engineers working on improving surgical tools and practices. There’s been tens of thousands of people improving and working to make this process easier that someone like me should be able to count on more love, more time and more life with my husband, daughter and the living people of this world.
CEO, Big Top Ballet Inc.